30..thats the fkkin number to beat..its not my personal best at shots, score or whatever the fkk you think it is.. its the age people.. I had a good bday night in a long time ...primarily always celebrating my bday away from home for the last 10 odd years..

I'll stop yapping and let my gifts speak.. my friends gave me 30 cool gifts.. none that I can use.. but sure can keep..

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Things on the List..

• A Sponge Bob Boxer.. Ek kaam kar.. hathaat gehoon laamb kar
• A pistol with plastic pellets and a laser pointer .. for khud-khushee.. self satisfaction
• A DVD of GolMaal the original.. Ram Prasad Dashrat Prasad Sharma
• A Kamasutra Urge Deodrant..a story behind it
• A toilet seat ash tray.. Latrine.. ghar ki murgi daal barabar.. only to go with my toilet fixation
• A blackberry sleeve.. with my favourite line of all times.. Kya Hua Beta
• A packet of Burborn .. my favourite munchie
• Jack and Coke.. my favourite friends
• A packet of Odomos mosquito repellant cream.. for the time when i was struck by dengue
• A map of bangkok ... Ping Pong Shows and Thai Massage for the embarrasing moments we had there
• A teachers Flask for my urge to drink
• A Gadha.. from jaane Bhi do Yaaro Fame
• A Hair band for my current state of hair
• A pack of Bidis .. old school
• A collapsable comb.. because i dont have one.. true Anil Kapoor style
• A Toilet / Drain Pump.. for the shit i talk
• A Pipe.. new school
• A pack of hair removal cream... I have a trimmer though
• A Mcdonalds Soft Serve squeaky toy..
• A Mcdonalds Burger squeaky toy
• A Burger King Fries Sueaky toy
• A copy of Oxford comics  Billu .. in Hindi
• A bday Cap
• A coffee mug
• A bottle of Viagra.. they think i need it now..
• A Matrimonial Ad of a cross dresser
• A pack of Whisper.. they were looking for adult diapers but that was too expensive
• A quarter of OLD MONK
• A bottle of Black Label

As a kid..(and even now) I have more than one problems to either deal with or to ignore.. most of these are to with my eating habits..for those who know me already must think I definitely dont have a problem eating anything..fact of the matter is..I have been trying to keep up my bodies expectations of being fed..

Milk is something that all of us as kids have grown up with and is synonymous with school..atleast for me.. it used to be one of the reasons for faking a stomach ache and avoid going to school. Every morning i had to wake up to a glass of milk that i had to finish because my mom thought i needed it to concentrate on what the teachers were saying in school. If she knew that i could not concentrate even with the milk she would be heart-broken. I guess she realized from my report card every summer too, but that could have been subtle and can be attributed to other reasons too.

Fkk that shit..I have been told I was a very fussy infant and disliked practically everything that people would like eating. For instance mangoes and milk. Big shit. I didnt like yellow and white and i still fkking dont..if thats the way i wanna see it..But i had a flair for eating things and fast at that..Around the early 80's when I was a kid, my dad used to bring home 5kg cans of Parle G biscuits. These were sold out by the wholesalers when they couldnt sell them off for being chipped off, or were sold off by the company themselves. I had a real thing for these biscuits and could wrap up a can a week apparently. Not that Im complaining. What Im fkking complaining about is the milk that i had to dip them into when i grew a little older..I can seriously take tea, milkshakes, icre-cream, curd and any other form of that shit core product MILK..not that i started hating it after i saw the gay movie..but yeah .. just letting you know..

Curd is another thing I frequently bounced on and off.. fkker must be feeling used up like a pogo stick..I started taking curd with a whole lot of salt and red chilli flakes..then moved to sugar.. then the plain shit itself.. then went completely off it.. ( i guess it was moreso from the fact that I had seen my mom use curd as a dandruff cure for my sis.. it grossed me out seeing it and then eating that same shit)..

If milk wasnt fkking enough there are milk products..not the dairy derivatives but the shit that people can use on their bodies.. shampoos, soap, body lotions, creams and fkk knows what else.. these things might be good for you as they show in the adverts.. or so you'd like to believe..like fkking 1/4 of milk in the soap with make more lather out of it.. like seriously what happened to ads where soap was supposed to make so much lather you couldnt see the chic in the bath tub...these fkkin products stick to your body and make you feel creamy.. allright its fine if you want someone to feel your creamy skin..but why the fkk would you want to feel creamy when you touch yourself..the milk based soaps are so bloody annoying.. they just wont get off your body in the shower..im a traditional guy who likes to get the soap off completely in the shower and not come out with soap bubbles emerging from your arm pits.. i like to dry myself clean before i step out of the shower.. and these milk soaps dont allow me to do that.. i hate you milk.. why cant we eat all the cows and bulls and leave no room for milk..

A similar kind of shit is doled out when you see any Paint adverts. Bastards talk about random technology Flexi Stretchable Emulsion, Low Lead, Heat Guard, Cross Polymer and a whole bag of donkey shit that they pour on your screen.. how the fkk is a paint supposed to have cross polymers..the way they show it on tv..like a fkkin maze that catches the stains and removes it with one swab of a wet cloth..motha fkkin shit.. its not a shirt that has 2 ply cotton..why the fkk would someone even advertise paint.. i dont need it bloody hell.. have you ever checked with the local contractor who paints like hes a kid who has to paint the fence and then go play.. bugger will make random strokes vertical and horizontal and then lets see your cross linking polymeric shit work its wonders..i always got it bad as a kid for making a fkked up mark on a newly painted wall.. and i cant accept the fact that a paint can do shit i could never do..

Some thing i also came to terms with the advent of cable tv (yeah yeah yeah i was born without cable tv..it came around the time when i was 12 or more) was the fact that most of the shit in movies happened in america.. like saving the world...Armageddon..saving the world..end of the world type of shit.. some thing i think we indians are very capable of too.. but we were always shown sitting like fkkin fools outside the Taj Mahal..and i dont like what im seeing..21st of may was rumored to be the end of the world as we know it.. it turns out to be a usual saturday when people are drinking their assess off like there was no tomorrow.. and then .. and then it starts to thunder and rain.. the drunkards are now out on the deserted streets dancing their drunk assess off and someone makes a remark.. "oohh seems like it really is the end of the world".. i take a minute to run through all the movies ive seen tap that shit.. and i was looking in the sky for a minute to see a change in color of the skies or a weird sound around.. or an earthquake around the corner and considering all the possible ways the world ended in these movies i had seen.. i confirmed to myself that its not happening.. atleast not tonight..

come to think of it.. why does all the shit in the world have to stem in the USA.. be it movies or real life.. saving the world USA. attacking the afghans. USA. .. Kill Sadda.. USA.. Kill Osama.. USA.. bhenchod what will the other countries do..

I think i have a lot to deal with and a lot of problems for a normal guy turning 30...

Till then..

For a world where milk powder could be used as paint..

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By now all know how much I love the Deol Family and their movies...here is an ode to the family.. Balltalks style.

me: nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

       balwant rai ke kuttte

anish: then? may 12th at 12-12:30am?

           toh thursday fri dono din chutti?  ghanta

me: bahut acha kaam kar rahe ho inspector.. bahut acha kaam kar rahe ho..

       medal milenge tumhe

       u bastard

       garreebon ke haath mein hathkadi daal ke bade khush ho rahe ho

anish: 13th may 3:35 is the flight

me: yahin par kanooon chalta hai tumhara

anish: which means 13th may 12:30am check in hua na

me: yehi hai tumhari vardi ki takat

anish: and check in likha hai 12th may 12am! B*******d ek din pehle hilenge kya airport pe?

          chutiya HR

me: jaakar us balwant rai ko pakdo.. u bastard.. jiske tukdon pe tum pal rahe ho.. jisne mere bhai          ko kidnapp kar rakha hai..

      jao thodi himmat wahan dikhao

      aisa maaroonga inspector ki tumhe apne paida hone par afsos hoga

anish: tujhe toh waise bhi afsos hai tere paida hone pe

me: mujhe chod inspector.. mere jeene ki bus ek hi wajah hai.. balwant rai ki maut..

       aur mujhe woh paane se tum bhi nahi rok sakte

       apni vardi to bech di hai tumne

anish: biwi ko bhi bech de

me: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh |||||||||||||||||||

     showing my stretched palm

anish: now slap your wife's ass with it

me:  claps  laughs  tum jaante nahi ho inspector.. mere papa aur mera bhai aur meri boy  builder bhen aa rahe hai.. tumhari is jail ko tod kar tumhare land se jhaado maar ke hum chale jaayenge ..tum balwant rai ka l***a chooste rehna laughs again  goes hysterical now

inspector is scared and pissing in his pants

anish: inspector shoves builder brothers head into builder papas ass like in hancock

 then inspector rapes builder sister like raj babbar does Chyna

 me:  inspector falls for the trick.. he fkked up all the imaginary characters and is dead tired now.. he left sunny alone.. and now he will die sunny laughs like he just realized he was amitabhs son and had more money and a better career

anish: then sunny realizes he has bobby or a brother and esha for half brother

 sunny kills himself and dies for a brother

 me:  inspector wakes up from his dream.. he is strapped with Balwant Rai's asshole to his face..balwant rai has raj babbar's left man boob in his mouth..Sunny.. father.. brother.. chyna are all laughing..Balwant Rai Farts

anish: little do they know they are in a dream within a dream..so they wake up and realize that Chyna is sucking sunny's boobs, while dharam's head is pushed into Bobby's hair and bobby is sucking on chyna's cock..inspector, balwant rai and raj babbar sit with smiles on their faces and sip on scotch

me:  suddenly there is a power failure and the graphic presentation created by ajgar jugraal comes to an abrupt end..the trance is over.. the electronic sedation goes for a toss and all are back to normal.. Raj, Balwant and Inspector all realize they are sitting on a merry go round with their bals tied to the ride..Sunny is the operator.. and papa has tied a small stick to the central rotor that hits the balls upon one successful rotation.. Chyna and bobby are waiting with water baloons that have the deol sperm bank in them at every corner..Raj just dropped his raping keychain.. his totem.. which means its real.. the inception is over..

anish: out of nowehere blawant rais kutte come to save the day...Sunny is scared of dogs and dharam is too slow..Bobby cant fight dogs cos his hair might get spoilt..chyna is scared of dogs and runs for her life as she had a bad experience with HHH

balwant rai ke kutte triumph once more

p.s. its ajgar jurrat!

me:  papa goes into flashback and remembers he smacked Gabbars ass out of town along with his kutte..he gets into a fit of rage and takes the kutte to mummy malinis place and gets her to entertain them with her saggy boob dance..in the mean while.. bobby throws in some jelly and some electric wires..chyna flashes and electrocutes the fkk out of the inspector, balwant and raj on the merry go round.. mummy saves the day.. and sunny was humping dimple in the operator booth of the merry go round..

anish: suddenly babu moshai comes and saves dimple from sunny..he then goes into slow mode and fights chyna..though an intense battle, babu moshai wins..he turns his attention to bobby who is scared already..he sets bobby's hair on fire..he then has a threesome with malini and dimple while all the deols are made to watch..balwant rai, inspector and raj babbar laugh..unfortunately after the threesome babu moshai dies because of lymphocircoma

me: unfortunatley babu moshai (now referred to as kaka) did all of this while he was masturbating thinking of deepika padukone.. so shit didnt go down well.. however..twinkle came there with her cock eyed vision.. as soon as she entered she got a booty call from papa.. she goes for a bang as akshay hangs to the ceiling for a top view of dimple's galli using his parkour techniques.. he doesnt act till u take his thumbs up...bobby catches kaka jacking off and calls on sunny.. they record a video and send it to the mms market place..kaka becomes the highest viewed video after obamas speeech on osama's death..Chyna bitch slaps twinkle after papa is done with her.. akshay cracks a joke.. makes a paratha and leaves the scene.. Balwant rai, Raj and Inspector are made to see the dance Mummy malini did for the kutte.. they are now crying

anish: ok i give up