30..thats the fkkin number to beat..its not my personal best at shots, score or whatever the fkk you think it is.. its the age people.. I had a good bday night in a long time ...primarily always celebrating my bday away from home for the last 10 odd years..

I'll stop yapping and let my gifts speak.. my friends gave me 30 cool gifts.. none that I can use.. but sure can keep..

See the full gallery on Posterous

Things on the List..

• A Sponge Bob Boxer.. Ek kaam kar.. hathaat gehoon laamb kar
• A pistol with plastic pellets and a laser pointer .. for khud-khushee.. self satisfaction
• A DVD of GolMaal the original.. Ram Prasad Dashrat Prasad Sharma
• A Kamasutra Urge Deodrant..a story behind it
• A toilet seat ash tray.. Latrine.. ghar ki murgi daal barabar.. only to go with my toilet fixation
• A blackberry sleeve.. with my favourite line of all times.. Kya Hua Beta
• A packet of Burborn .. my favourite munchie
• Jack and Coke.. my favourite friends
• A packet of Odomos mosquito repellant cream.. for the time when i was struck by dengue
• A map of bangkok ... Ping Pong Shows and Thai Massage for the embarrasing moments we had there
• A teachers Flask for my urge to drink
• A Gadha.. from jaane Bhi do Yaaro Fame
• A Hair band for my current state of hair
• A pack of Bidis .. old school
• A collapsable comb.. because i dont have one.. true Anil Kapoor style
• A Toilet / Drain Pump.. for the shit i talk
• A Pipe.. new school
• A pack of hair removal cream... I have a trimmer though
• A Mcdonalds Soft Serve squeaky toy..
• A Mcdonalds Burger squeaky toy
• A Burger King Fries Sueaky toy
• A copy of Oxford comics  Billu .. in Hindi
• A bday Cap
• A coffee mug
• A bottle of Viagra.. they think i need it now..
• A Matrimonial Ad of a cross dresser
• A pack of Whisper.. they were looking for adult diapers but that was too expensive
• A quarter of OLD MONK
• A bottle of Black Label

As a kid..(and even now) I have more than one problems to either deal with or to ignore.. most of these are to with my eating habits..for those who know me already must think I definitely dont have a problem eating anything..fact of the matter is..I have been trying to keep up my bodies expectations of being fed..

Milk is something that all of us as kids have grown up with and is synonymous with school..atleast for me.. it used to be one of the reasons for faking a stomach ache and avoid going to school. Every morning i had to wake up to a glass of milk that i had to finish because my mom thought i needed it to concentrate on what the teachers were saying in school. If she knew that i could not concentrate even with the milk she would be heart-broken. I guess she realized from my report card every summer too, but that could have been subtle and can be attributed to other reasons too.

Fkk that shit..I have been told I was a very fussy infant and disliked practically everything that people would like eating. For instance mangoes and milk. Big shit. I didnt like yellow and white and i still fkking dont..if thats the way i wanna see it..But i had a flair for eating things and fast at that..Around the early 80's when I was a kid, my dad used to bring home 5kg cans of Parle G biscuits. These were sold out by the wholesalers when they couldnt sell them off for being chipped off, or were sold off by the company themselves. I had a real thing for these biscuits and could wrap up a can a week apparently. Not that Im complaining. What Im fkking complaining about is the milk that i had to dip them into when i grew a little older..I can seriously take tea, milkshakes, icre-cream, curd and any other form of that shit core product MILK..not that i started hating it after i saw the gay movie..but yeah .. just letting you know..

Curd is another thing I frequently bounced on and off.. fkker must be feeling used up like a pogo stick..I started taking curd with a whole lot of salt and red chilli flakes..then moved to sugar.. then the plain shit itself.. then went completely off it.. ( i guess it was moreso from the fact that I had seen my mom use curd as a dandruff cure for my sis.. it grossed me out seeing it and then eating that same shit)..

If milk wasnt fkking enough there are milk products..not the dairy derivatives but the shit that people can use on their bodies.. shampoos, soap, body lotions, creams and fkk knows what else.. these things might be good for you as they show in the adverts.. or so you'd like to believe..like fkking 1/4 of milk in the soap with make more lather out of it.. like seriously what happened to ads where soap was supposed to make so much lather you couldnt see the chic in the bath tub...these fkkin products stick to your body and make you feel creamy.. allright its fine if you want someone to feel your creamy skin..but why the fkk would you want to feel creamy when you touch yourself..the milk based soaps are so bloody annoying.. they just wont get off your body in the shower..im a traditional guy who likes to get the soap off completely in the shower and not come out with soap bubbles emerging from your arm pits.. i like to dry myself clean before i step out of the shower.. and these milk soaps dont allow me to do that.. i hate you milk.. why cant we eat all the cows and bulls and leave no room for milk..

A similar kind of shit is doled out when you see any Paint adverts. Bastards talk about random technology Flexi Stretchable Emulsion, Low Lead, Heat Guard, Cross Polymer and a whole bag of donkey shit that they pour on your screen.. how the fkk is a paint supposed to have cross polymers..the way they show it on tv..like a fkkin maze that catches the stains and removes it with one swab of a wet cloth..motha fkkin shit.. its not a shirt that has 2 ply cotton..why the fkk would someone even advertise paint.. i dont need it bloody hell.. have you ever checked with the local contractor who paints like hes a kid who has to paint the fence and then go play.. bugger will make random strokes vertical and horizontal and then lets see your cross linking polymeric shit work its wonders..i always got it bad as a kid for making a fkked up mark on a newly painted wall.. and i cant accept the fact that a paint can do shit i could never do..

Some thing i also came to terms with the advent of cable tv (yeah yeah yeah i was born without cable tv..it came around the time when i was 12 or more) was the fact that most of the shit in movies happened in america.. like saving the world...Armageddon..saving the world..end of the world type of shit.. some thing i think we indians are very capable of too.. but we were always shown sitting like fkkin fools outside the Taj Mahal..and i dont like what im seeing..21st of may was rumored to be the end of the world as we know it.. it turns out to be a usual saturday when people are drinking their assess off like there was no tomorrow.. and then .. and then it starts to thunder and rain.. the drunkards are now out on the deserted streets dancing their drunk assess off and someone makes a remark.. "oohh seems like it really is the end of the world".. i take a minute to run through all the movies ive seen tap that shit.. and i was looking in the sky for a minute to see a change in color of the skies or a weird sound around.. or an earthquake around the corner and considering all the possible ways the world ended in these movies i had seen.. i confirmed to myself that its not happening.. atleast not tonight..

come to think of it.. why does all the shit in the world have to stem in the USA.. be it movies or real life.. saving the world USA. attacking the afghans. USA. .. Kill Sadda.. USA.. Kill Osama.. USA.. bhenchod what will the other countries do..

I think i have a lot to deal with and a lot of problems for a normal guy turning 30...

Till then..

For a world where milk powder could be used as paint..

See the full gallery on Posterous

By now all know how much I love the Deol Family and their movies...here is an ode to the family.. Balltalks style.

me: nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

       balwant rai ke kuttte

anish: then? may 12th at 12-12:30am?

           toh thursday fri dono din chutti?  ghanta

me: bahut acha kaam kar rahe ho inspector.. bahut acha kaam kar rahe ho..

       medal milenge tumhe

       u bastard

       garreebon ke haath mein hathkadi daal ke bade khush ho rahe ho

anish: 13th may 3:35 is the flight

me: yahin par kanooon chalta hai tumhara

anish: which means 13th may 12:30am check in hua na

me: yehi hai tumhari vardi ki takat

anish: and check in likha hai 12th may 12am! B*******d ek din pehle hilenge kya airport pe?

          chutiya HR

me: jaakar us balwant rai ko pakdo.. u bastard.. jiske tukdon pe tum pal rahe ho.. jisne mere bhai          ko kidnapp kar rakha hai..

      jao thodi himmat wahan dikhao

      aisa maaroonga inspector ki tumhe apne paida hone par afsos hoga

anish: tujhe toh waise bhi afsos hai tere paida hone pe

me: mujhe chod inspector.. mere jeene ki bus ek hi wajah hai.. balwant rai ki maut..

       aur mujhe woh paane se tum bhi nahi rok sakte

       apni vardi to bech di hai tumne

anish: biwi ko bhi bech de

me: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh |||||||||||||||||||

     showing my stretched palm

anish: now slap your wife's ass with it

me:  claps  laughs  tum jaante nahi ho inspector.. mere papa aur mera bhai aur meri boy  builder bhen aa rahe hai.. tumhari is jail ko tod kar tumhare land se jhaado maar ke hum chale jaayenge ..tum balwant rai ka l***a chooste rehna laughs again  goes hysterical now

inspector is scared and pissing in his pants

anish: inspector shoves builder brothers head into builder papas ass like in hancock

 then inspector rapes builder sister like raj babbar does Chyna

 me:  inspector falls for the trick.. he fkked up all the imaginary characters and is dead tired now.. he left sunny alone.. and now he will die sunny laughs like he just realized he was amitabhs son and had more money and a better career

anish: then sunny realizes he has bobby or a brother and esha for half brother

 sunny kills himself and dies for a brother

 me:  inspector wakes up from his dream.. he is strapped with Balwant Rai's asshole to his face..balwant rai has raj babbar's left man boob in his mouth..Sunny.. father.. brother.. chyna are all laughing..Balwant Rai Farts

anish: little do they know they are in a dream within a dream..so they wake up and realize that Chyna is sucking sunny's boobs, while dharam's head is pushed into Bobby's hair and bobby is sucking on chyna's cock..inspector, balwant rai and raj babbar sit with smiles on their faces and sip on scotch

me:  suddenly there is a power failure and the graphic presentation created by ajgar jugraal comes to an abrupt end..the trance is over.. the electronic sedation goes for a toss and all are back to normal.. Raj, Balwant and Inspector all realize they are sitting on a merry go round with their bals tied to the ride..Sunny is the operator.. and papa has tied a small stick to the central rotor that hits the balls upon one successful rotation.. Chyna and bobby are waiting with water baloons that have the deol sperm bank in them at every corner..Raj just dropped his raping keychain.. his totem.. which means its real.. the inception is over..

anish: out of nowehere blawant rais kutte come to save the day...Sunny is scared of dogs and dharam is too slow..Bobby cant fight dogs cos his hair might get spoilt..chyna is scared of dogs and runs for her life as she had a bad experience with HHH

balwant rai ke kutte triumph once more

p.s. its ajgar jurrat!

me:  papa goes into flashback and remembers he smacked Gabbars ass out of town along with his kutte..he gets into a fit of rage and takes the kutte to mummy malinis place and gets her to entertain them with her saggy boob dance..in the mean while.. bobby throws in some jelly and some electric wires..chyna flashes and electrocutes the fkk out of the inspector, balwant and raj on the merry go round.. mummy saves the day.. and sunny was humping dimple in the operator booth of the merry go round..

anish: suddenly babu moshai comes and saves dimple from sunny..he then goes into slow mode and fights chyna..though an intense battle, babu moshai wins..he turns his attention to bobby who is scared already..he sets bobby's hair on fire..he then has a threesome with malini and dimple while all the deols are made to watch..balwant rai, inspector and raj babbar laugh..unfortunately after the threesome babu moshai dies because of lymphocircoma

me: unfortunatley babu moshai (now referred to as kaka) did all of this while he was masturbating thinking of deepika padukone.. so shit didnt go down well.. however..twinkle came there with her cock eyed vision.. as soon as she entered she got a booty call from papa.. she goes for a bang as akshay hangs to the ceiling for a top view of dimple's galli using his parkour techniques.. he doesnt act till u take his thumbs up...bobby catches kaka jacking off and calls on sunny.. they record a video and send it to the mms market place..kaka becomes the highest viewed video after obamas speeech on osama's death..Chyna bitch slaps twinkle after papa is done with her.. akshay cracks a joke.. makes a paratha and leaves the scene.. Balwant rai, Raj and Inspector are made to see the dance Mummy malini did for the kutte.. they are now crying

anish: ok i give up

 

Yeah yeah..he's the Indian guy from Van Wilder and he had a name that epitomizes the 2 things India doesnt have.. the Taj Mahal and Bada whatever whatever..u know what i mean..(i dont know why im refraining from explitives here..i think it is somehow owing to the fact that Mom is visiting)

Now most of you would agree when I say India is not Badalandabad..which literally means the land of big dicks..i mean seriously some of you might have learnt this from your early days in porn that made you lose all hope looking at your tool and comparing it to the shlong the men flaunt in them..some might have learnt it later in their life listening to pseudo canadian Russell Peters.. and some might still be living with an aim to find the magic potion in the Himalayas to make it big..not make it big in life but make IT big..(my condolences)

The interesting part is where none of you understand why we are not the land of the Taj Mahal..i know..i know.. allow me.

So ive spent almost a year in the satellite town of Noida, in the dilapidated almost collapsing state of Utter Pradesh (thats how my dad spelt Uttar in one of his couriers to me..yes he couriers me things)..and ever since ive gotten here people have been making visits to the Taj Mahal and telling me how it is a must see and shit that goes along with such recommendations..numerous persuasive methods have been applied (seduction not part of those) to make me visit that forsaken place with them.. So heres the deal.. i never thought it was a thing to see in the first place..some psycho spent a lot of money and time building a minar or minarets around his wifes tomb..in the process, he losing his head and as the story goes a lot of workmen losing their hands.. why would i spend my money travelling to that place, buy a ticket and stand in the sun to see it.. i mean seriously.. for all you know he might have buried his gay lover there..just saying..just a thought..

Shit so happens that Mom comes down from Bombay visiting us and i have no plans..so Taj seemed like a good viable option to spend one day (fkk yeah it takes that much time)..so i wake up at 5 and start my journey to Agra at around 5:45 only to reach Taj at 9:15 and find that TAJ MAHAL IS SHUT...SHUT...SHUT ..what the fkkk do u mean SHUT..

Its a bloody monument and a national property and a tourist spot that cant be shut on any day..leave alone a Friday.. Sala u treat it like its a bloody passport office and shut it on a day that you please.. Sarkari Daftar hai kya maa ki aankh..and top it off they let you in the parking lot and tell you it is shut and that you can see it from the back..the back is not a back door entry.. it is a garden at the back of the Taj that has a view from across the yamuna.. it is also supposedly the site where the same psycho Mughleazam was to build a black Taj Mahal in his own memory..unfortunately he couldnt coz his son arrested him..Finally better sense prevailed and someone stopped the mad man at wasting his life time of earnings..all right property is still the best bet and he did a good job at creating one that people paid to see.. but what the fkk man.. u cant have 2 of the same just because u want to sit in a window across the taj and see it daily.. bull shit i say..

So it is as it was.. Agra and Taj are still the most over rated places in India..just because we want to get listed somewhere, we dont need to vote it as a wonder of the world.. i guess why they put it on that list every year is because they think it is a wonder to see so many people go and see a pile of marble.

There are times and it is most of the times when i dont exactly know where im headed with my blog posts and i like it that way, because after posting these there is an element of surprise that makes me wanna read it all over again..

How many pairs of shoes must one person own.. how many can one use

Why dont people read whatever they think is worth reading in the newspapers at once.. why do they revisit it again in the same day..

Answers to these questions elude me just like how the Taj and its story..apparently Akbar..a Mughal king walked from Agra to Ajmer barefeet 7 times just to get a child because he couldnt have one with 3 wives..all this because a father and son resided in each of these places as demi gods and they asked him to walk.. how does walking make you potent..

History leaves a lot of questions un-answered and a lot of intelligence challenged..

Moral of the Story.. dont go to Agra..

Till then..

For a world where stray dogs and zebras would be a wonder..

Ever seen someone over-exert on their limited brain power..we might be forced to believe that exposure to the internet and information has made this tribe extinct, but that is a farce. It so happens that this genre of homo sapiens has been living like evolved vampires who can now face the sun..dont need ray-bans, well, may be they need ray-bans. They have taken the deception act to a whole new level...

They are now all around you and they have defence..

I have come to believe that most of these have overtime created a pseudo world for themselves wherein their alter egos take over. In a trance of such sorts these super humans are under the impression that there is one thing they are good at..seems hard to believe but they do find such abstract imaginations..

Off late a few i have seen a few come out of their disguises and most of them have apparently mastered the art of relationships..if there is one.. and they are armed with a few conversation starters..something that will sound like a question..

This is how they play it..they want to start this off as a group game / drinking game

• Do you think being attracted to someone else while being committed to one is alright?
• Wow that question is something eve asked adam and he spat the apple back in her face

Thats all it takes for them to get a weakling to speak..{alcohol makes men stronger and women weaker..or is it the other way round}..they respond to the first words that spurt out of anyone's mouth and they will offer advice like they have been hired professionally to do it.. They are now more interested and will pry into peoples lives like knowing your secrets would save the world..at a later advanced stage of the conversation {read beyond their intellect} they will slowly move out and stand and admire the ruckus they have created...

Before they walked out they successfully managed to create sub groups from within the people they were trying to talk to and have some how cast the same spell on everyone else and driven them into a trance they dont want to break out of..so now all are trying to match their intelligence with the lower species, thinking it is the goal to meet tonight..you can now see small leaders springing up within these smaller groups trying to inflict as much emotional pain to their peers from the group by citing experiences where they have been dumped because they acted like low life scums..

Its a dangerous plot the minds of the alter egos of the select few have designed carefully..Imagine lying on a beach trying to appreciate the stars which is a rare sight to see..or lets assume we dont care to see..and then bangg..all you see is drunk people walking around kicking dust in your face.. huddles all around .. sobbbing drunk men and women..emotionally challenged individuals trying to emerge as the superior being among the other weaklings.. wow.. these are stars..

Mission Accomplished.. the alter ego has enslaved the species with a bigger population..

I know.. i totally know that these are the same people who started off being the lesser beings but not apparently so..

I was at work today and around noon I realized its night in Australia..and I thought to myself it would be great to work in australia because work would be over by now.. not realizing that i would still have to work 9 hours to make it..I also believe i can live longer if I travel India ..America..America..India frequently..hahahh Time difference.. i grow younger when i reach america and older when i come back to india.. tempering steel makes it stronger and increases shelf life.. i dont know how it applies to me but i like the concept..

Till Then..

For a world where people didnt have names just number tags..

Over time i have realized that i am a little paranoid..come to think of it would you call a person paranoid if he / she has dreams where they are faced with various situations dangerous and life threatening and they eventually fall out of the dreams with a plan of action..if at all the situation had to arise for real..

Fkkk ..Huston we have another problem!

I think i have a solution for most situations.. ranging from

• An Annaconda in the house
• Burglars in groups of 3 or 4
• Flood
• Fire
• Earthquake
• End of the World
• I.T. Raid
• My Arrest
• Contract Killers knocking on the door
• Road Accident
• Car Fuel
  
• Vampires
  

I know thats a lot of shit i have been thinking.. but i cant share these plans with you because they are supposed to be executed in a particular fashion just to make sure you are in control of the events and the plan falls in place..

Okk... now you are seriously thinking I have a problem.. Fkkk u .. I have a plan.. u dont.

I have come to believe that most office spaces are not ready for calamities and disasters.. people can face some serious shit if one hits them..Imagine this.. an office floor with 100 employees served snacks in the evening..shit so happens that the foood had gone bad.. bad i mean really bad..and everyone has a maddd urge to take a shit

There are 4 urinals and 2 shit pots available on a floor for men and Im assuming 3 for the women.. Where the fkkk do u think will all these people take a shit..The immediate defence of this situation is there might be other toilets in the building..but do u think some other office will let you take a crazzy asss shit in their toilets.. the main building premises also have 2 spare toilets..how much good can 4 toilets for 100 people.. The closest place I think we can take a shit is in the dustbins each desk has.. Imagine the number of tissues we will need then..

And then they talk about being paperfoolish..

This is a question to all my environmentalist friends who brag about saving trees, paper and in turn the world and nature in its current state. I say screw you guys.. Firstly i dont have any friends who are environmentalists.. i only have friends who are stuck in their pseudo beliefs that they can save the world.

The problem starts in a place we think the problem has ended..The Toilet.

Quick question:

• How many tissues does it take to wipe your hands after you wash ur hands?
• How many squares of tissues do you use to wipe off your dingleberries?
• How many tissues do you use to wipe the seat of a toilet before you use it? dont fkkkin nod ur head..we know u do that
• How many tissues do you ask for with a single mcdonalds burger and fries combo? How many with a sub?
• How many times do you print a wrong document or try getting a copy right?
• How many times have you taken prints of a reduced slide layout of a presentation?
• How many tissues did you pick up with that slice of bread you toasted and got to your desk at work today?
  

Ghanta..Big Fkkking Ghanta to all your gyaan about being an aware world citizen. When it comes to your hands or your ass crack you want to wipe it clean over and over again..and then you want to read some email / article / banner and start acting responsible till you get back to your shit hole...the real shit hole

Dont give me shit about the paper being recycled and all that ball sack that comes following it...we seriously have no fkkin clue and we think we are doing the world a favor by donating 1500rs a quarter to greenpeace...(yeah I used to send that money till the card company blocked my card)..if some paper is being recylced some is being used fresh..

Just for the record I use 3 tissues to wipe my hands off..and i dont give a shit because anytime i pay a visit to the washroom, there is already a drum full of these tissues..which brings me to my next point..

Till then

For a world where the Ipad could clean shit up

Keeping up with the tradition of once in a while posting a chat conversation that made no sense then, but will some years later. Here is another one..unfortunately there is no victim in this one..well if you think Bobby is the victim of fun..the fun has just begun..

So shit happened so that I saw someone with teeth that looked charred and the last time i saw something like this was in Soldier the movie..I shared the link with Anish because he hadnt seen this before..and what follows is a bag load of shit..have fun

• anish: ok i have some questions abt the soldier scene why was the gang on skates?
• aryaditya: they were cool like that.. and jojo was the next generation of the gang like the younger triads
• anish: ok fair enough
• skates pe aaye toh aaye, why did they have to jump on tables and spoil everyones meal?
• aryaditya: because they are goons.. moreover it is a spectator sport and they need audience..even if they came in normally and fought they would end up messing up peoples food..and in the process their colthes..so they came they removed the food from the table got peoples attention and their asses kicked
• anish: just by tapping the knife on the table, how was bobby deol able to cut right through the at elast 2 inch thick table? Also, how did he get around the wrist while doing that?
•  aryaditya: its about the precision of a ninja. a ninja always times his strikes.. there is a defence mechanism in shaolin which is called iron shirt.. which is used to defend against this.. ninjas can propell darts and kill a person after having scaled a wall.. bobby has been trained in all of this.. ninjas are known to conserve their energy and strike when the object is the weakest.. bobby did that by penetrating the table where the wood has a split and this is figured with his concentration penetrating the cloth.. also he hit the wrist where the bone and veins have the biggest gap. its a science..he proved this again in Bichhoo and Chamko..u havent seen his movies i believe
• anish: no i havent . I understand Jojo was wearing skates but how was he bouncing back from solid objects after Bobby hit him, to go right back to Bobby?
• aryaditya: i was hoping you would ask this

• aryaditya: The secret lies in the start of the movie..Bobby's dad gets killed and his mom Rakhee goes into a trance (similar to karan arjun).. boby goes to japan to train as a ninja (not shown in the movie) and when he comes back the murderer has left the country.. unfortunately he went to an erathquake prone country and all furniture and walls are made of flexi board to avoid damage to human life at the occurance of an earthquake.. This flexi board coupled with the force and timing that boby struck with.. JoJo had no option but to keep coming back for more

•  anish: sounds plausibl. Why is Bobby Deol so fucking ugly? Has no one ever told him his hair resemble pubes??
•  aryaditya: Its a sad story..Dharmendra wasnt expecting bobby, instead he was hoping esha would get born then..but shit happens..so he was the neglected son and didnt get any money for grooming. which is why we dont see any bobby before barsat (that was his debut movie)..at any movie premiers or interviews or parties.. Bobby had to get everything done by himself and picked up whatever he could from the magazines and tv he could get his hands on.. at one point in time sunny lost his charm and dharam wasnt making any money so they thought of making use of the son they never wanted..gave him a movie and thought they would make money and laugh at the guy and his hair.. unfortunately bobby clicked and sunny sucked...sunny went to the gym again and made a comeback with action movies like ziddi.. bobby was doomed.. but thats how life is.. Dharam is now confused and treats esha like the son he had planned when she was born.. (her debut movie she looked like dharam in skirts..she debuted with Sanjay Kapoor.. Soch.. intelligent movie)

 Till then...

For a world where facts were fiction