When the whole Bachchan clan was out on twitter trying to get suggestions for their kid's name, I was actually thinking they should name her "Gumnam" or "Unanmed". Just so that you know, all those who did send suggestions; you suck monkey ballls if you thought they were going to pick the name you proposed.The reason behind my thought process is the way kids actually beat the shit out of other kids mental stability making them the butt of all jokes. And this has always been a tradition at school. A unique/weird/funny name. A messed up / degenerate lineage. These are all disasters in making for the future of kids. I cant even start to imagine how tough Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai's daughter will have it at school. Consider this:
- Her Mom was Miss World and then ended up doing movies like Aa Ab Laut Chalen with pension seekers like Rajesh Khanna and Jaspal Bhatti. Housekeeping turned actor Akshaye Khanna. Then she goes on to have a very talked about affair with a man who in the current date is a day away from phasing out his genitals into excretory organs only. The oldest strong short man of Bollywood who then passes the baton to a man who could film a documentary which will be watched more than the Self Destruction of Ultimate Warrior; and frankly more than all his films put together. She then marries a man who wears pants on his chest and thinks hes can live his entire life on commercials from a single brand that signed him up the day they thought he will make it big in the an industry he was never wanted in. She then lives by the same principle of making ends meet with a single brand endorsement. The only time she gets to don designer gowns is when some Dharavi store plugs a label they got from Bhindi Bazaar to a gown they purchased from Ulhas Nagar and sends it to her to wear at Cannes. She gets an invite from the film meet because she is the only Indian before Anil Kapoor who made a complete fool of herself in a Hollywood flick. A sequel of a successful franchise that people want to laugh remembering when they see her at the festivals. She carries her arm candy, read the other single endorsement parasite, because there is only one white tuxedo they ever stitched in the world with pants that have to fit on the chest; and he needs an occasion to wear it apart from days he plays butler to his father.
- Her Dad is a legend in himself. Someone who dared enter the movie industry at an age when most actors like Suniel Shetty found some maturity and still makes a standing fool and example of himself. Whose best friends are Ritesh Deshmukh and Goldie Behl who cant give him more than Drona and bad haricuts and stupid re-tweets. This guy has presented epics like Refugee, Dhai akshar prem ke, Dhoom, Bas itna sa khwab hai, Players and a whole lot of movies that had their DVDs rotting in the aisles and then the attics of stores. If someone looks for a torrent for a movie that our legend has acted in, torrent sources actually look for you, buy originals DVDs of good movies and send them to you. Just so that you know what to look for the next time. This has man is not slapped by the traffic police everytime he is seeing at a signal only because his father did some good work in movies and is still belting out some good stuff. The only reason this guy has a car and is not travelling by buses and trains is because his father is still earning when his other pension earning peers are chilling on their rocking chairs and sipping on that tea. Everyone thinks there is crowd outside the Bachchan residence to meet Mr. Amitabh Bachchan. But the fact of the matter is they are all there to plead Amitabh to either disown Abhishek or fix him up with a juice stall at juhu beach so he could atleast get his rickshaw fare in place. This man has the talent to touch anything and turn it to shit. He is a born genius. He is an embarrassment to nature (credit: Ice Age 1). Amitabh Bachchan making frequent trips to the hospital is not really un-well. He is trying to get some alone time and stay away from crap-idol.
If you ever thought I would say that in this life time you might also be see an entire generation of genetically advanced hairless Indians with dicks bigger than an Iphone. To set things straight I have always loved Bombay and I may end up dying a natural death saying the same thing. I will also never accept the city as Mumbai and it will always remain Bombay for me, so deal with it.I'm not sure how many might relate to what I am about to rant. This might not be a direct indication of one's intellect or his/her capabilities to decide things for oneself. But at some time everyone meets people who like hating the city they live in, and they take it as a serious hobby. It is the only form of primary intellectual masturbation some might get when they ask : "Ok, you tell me what do you like about this city? I just want to leave". My first response, and any first response is usually to ask them why they are still here. Not that there is a radioactive epidemic everywhere else that keeps you here. To start with of the 30 years I have inhabited the earth and tried to deplete the natural and food resources, I've spent more than 2 decades falling in love with Bombay over and over again, one day at a time. If a few bad roads, a few slums can make you feel bad about the city that gives you uninterrupted power supply, awesome public transport, food, supplies and anything else you need at any point in the day, people that offer help at the drop of a hat; im really not sure what you are setting as your benchmark. Living in a city and hating it, for me is like buying a short tee-shirt and pulling it down every now and then because you think your ass crack might make a sighting. Its like a girl who wears a tee with a slogan and when people want to read it they feel letched at. You made your choices and even if you didnt, and you were born in this city; you still can make your choice. Go to a place you think is a better city than bombay. Or wait. Is it so that you hate the country all together. I'm not dealing with that right now, ill tackle that another day. I might have to be on sedatives to make sure i dont curse. So the question still remains. Why are we still here? The answer is obvious and emerged the unanimous winner from a poll conducted among all my limited sensibilities, restricted brain power and anything else, i might not be good at; Pick another city to live in. Going by sheer averages, the number of people I came across in the last decade among family, friends, acquaintances who hate bombay; had they left the city we would also be answering the primary cause of concern these people had in the first place. Population in the city. If I may earnestly ask you to please follow your gut and leave this city, will you do it. No you wont. I guess its a problem that infests all of us, including me. We are beautifully trained to identify problems through the grades of education we run through, but we seldom want to be part of the solution. We love delegation. We all want better security for ourselves, but we dont want to take up police jobs. There is one cop for more than a 1000 people in bombay. I believe, and firmly so that most whiners would not leave the city even though the hate grows with every morning they wake up in the city because they have families who have worked all their lives in bombay through jobs, businesses and other means to make livings. they would complain too but never leave. Taking into account that most indian families are non-nuclear till date, we would have a situation because the people in question would need to go grounds up in a new city. Chicken might be the word to use. Take a test, move out of bombay and live in a delhi, noida or even a tier 2 city. Try nagpur for fkk sake and see if you can make a calendar year without wanting to come back to bombay. I bet my balls you will. Fkk I'll give my domain name to you if you dont. I feel strongly about my city and even if education and work must have taken me to different cities over the last decade or so, the distance only makes me love the city all the more. I dont hate you or the reasons you hate the city, you are intelligent enough to understand your choices, but a choice is what is not made. It makes me dig out an email a friend wrote to us after bombay was being called a hapless city after a terrorist attack and some started shit slinging through forwarded emails. Thought, i'll share it with people here. I know the length of the this blog is more than the number of words on your american admission transcripts, but what the fkk:
" My dad moved here in 1967 when he was 21 from a rural place and has sweated it out ever since, head bowed down, working hard each day, grateful to the city, the culture. He is a proud man today. He tells me stories from some of his olden days. The chawls, sharing rooms, the food. He loves the trains, the buses. He plays the radio everyday with old songs, and I think he goes back to his early days of toil in this city. Never have I heard him blame the city.I have thanked heavens many a time for that moment when my Dad took that decision of moving to this city. I think his reaction at such a time matters.Mumbai is about people. You find characters, personalities, this confidence which others in our country envy. I have lived in Gujarat for 4 years, Rajasthan for 2 and I have felt this sense of respect just because I am from Mumbai. Plus I have relatives spread out, and they send out a similar signal.I felt like writing this because I have always felt out of place with such outbursts. I would never understand why some of my colleagues during our international travel would talk negatively about our country at the drop of a hat. When economists, global leaders, thinkers talk so highly of what we have in store. You take so much from the people you meet when you travel, and what a wrong way to represent where you come from. I also felt like writing because there are Non Mumbaikars on the thread, and it pains to see a wrong message sent out to them.Some of the most 'livable' cities are plain boring. Mundane. Pretty showpieces. Ironed well. Old money from colonies they conquered and fed their planners well, who created such marvels. Your jaw drops at the planning. But why do they bore me out? And their rulers wouldn't have taken a backward step in their growth heydays if they felt attacked. They had an eye for an eye.And what about security. Pick up a lonely planet and they warn you about thugs and late night crime in a lot of the big global cities. I am out late hours and things are smooth here.I am deeply attached to Mumbai, it has given me everything. I would be half the man without this attachment, something would go horribly missing if I stop feeling it. A lot of this anti-mumbai sentiment is spreading, but hey choose your enemy well. The traffic snarls will all go away. The city is your friend. " Till then..For a world where memories would self-destruct in 5 minutes
Are you fkkking educated or did your parents just waste their hard-earned (that’s an assumption that can easily fall flat) money on something you didn’t deserve in the first place. Has the advent of discovery channel, discovery science and google not had an impact on your life and sensibilities?
These are the kind of questions I think I should ask people who ask me the dreaded question..Are You Gay? No, seriously. I have nothing against people who are Gay, so to say. (you know I wrote that for poetic pleasure. That’s the only poetry I can do in this lifetime) I use the word to describe a lot of things like texting, cycling, shopping and things that I think I am not good at. I had read / heard somewhere that taking offense to gay comments is gayer. I know it all sounds like shit right now, but the fact that I use the word without hesitation without the intent to poke fun at the tendencies of a person, makes me feel im better off.
Better than the class of people I described above who ask me if I’m gay because I’m not married. I seriously hope the next generations of these people who got married at the age of 20 odd because they had nothing else to do in life, be Gay. Actually, fkkk it they might just kill the kid for his tendencies. Tell me this, dumb-fuck how does not marrying make someone gay. Oh, I get it. Because your dad told you that you should be getting married and humping your wife by the age of 20, you should be joining the family business by 18 and have a kid by 21. By the time you are 22, your wife is still 20 (yeah face it), she has a kid a full time housewife job to do, and you can now have the fkking time of your life, because you just completed 3 out of your 4 major responsibilities of adulthood. FUCKING, BREEDING, RUINING ANOTHER LIFE. Blooody genius you need to be to get your shit in order already. 23 and now you run around bars at night as your wife struggles to keep up with your maa, paa and the waste of a sperm you produced. You are officially DONE, like in monster garage. (for those who don’t know, when a project was completed they show a DONE sign on it. This guy has just the sign you want to see). 25 and now you are now trying to connect with the real world outside your friends who have also successfully completed their 3 responsibilities and are now a complete man and son for their maa and paa. This real world would be through the internet which so far has been used only during wasted offices hours at the family business to see the cricket scores and to stalk women on social networks. Bravo you have now graduated and now you look to connect with people you knew years back and what better medium than the same old social network.
This time around you are here to flaunt the perfect life and the perfect wife, the perfect kid, the perfect business, the perfect vacation pictures. But unfortunately there are other things to do which people have been upto and you don’t understand the need for it. Its ok, we don’t force you to. Its not something you can think is important or worthwhile, because it is not something your friends have done thus far. The same friends, if I may say this, have an IQ lesser than their shoe size. But its ok, its understood if you don’t understand what I do for a living, its ok if you don’t understand why I live like I live, its NOT FKKIN OK if you start asking me things I don’t want you to be comfortable enough to ask. Your gonads wouldn’t grow in size if you got a YES to the gay question, that you thought would be the only obvious reason for me not getting married.
Why does it become so fkking necessary to comply with standards set by someone, I don’t even know from my gene-pool forget direct relation for once. Why does everyone want to see all the shit in the same light. Some shit is black, some brown, some green, some with undigested shit in them, some fluid, some that hold no water. Why does it become important for all to get married. Why does someone who not marry have to deal with the deal about taking the family gene pool further. Why does it have to come down to reproduction. Don’t we already have enough. Why does everyone have to give you shit about companionship. Why do some have to question tendencies.
These are the same set of people who come across as my comic relief. Motherfkkers can seriously be funny when talked about later.
Oh, and the 4th responsibility these dick wads work towards, get the next generation of dim wits married. Same old cycle, 20-25.